Mental Health Awareness

As I sat in the garden listening to the wind in the trees and the birds singing, with my dog lying in contact with my leg, (to alert him, if I dare move) my brain often goes to a place in which I create analogies to explain things that feel pertinent to share.

Thinking positive mental health, which for me, is an everyday continual task, I visualised a picture of a large vertical tunnel, with an equally long ladder attached to its side.  As you can imagine the bottom was a long way down and very dismal, dark and unappealing spot with the top opening out to light, sunshine and maybe the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

To create personal context, I have been in the pit at the bottom when my brain was unable to read, unable to notice danger and implement safety behaviours, were I felt numb and could not make decisions of any kind…. but hey, I am been at the top too, and all the wonderful feelings that occur in that mental space too.

But I only found out how to manage my mental health through reflection of what I had experienced in travelling up and down that ladder, and it is those small daily behaviours that both help me to climb and also to alert me when I am slipping.

But every action has to be a deliberate one, and the actions are different for each individual.  I can only implement them whilst I am ladder bound however the more I take notice and implement the positive actions and acknowledge what the negative, unhelpful or draining ones are, the more I remain on the ladder.  From the depth of the pit, it has be interventions beyond the ‘self’ and include medical support.

My actions can be as small as noticing/caring about what I look like before I leave the house, washing my hair, creating time to eat, making eye contact, watching nature… to name a few.  This arms me with the ability to notice when I don’t do things and to notice when I need to do more.  It is an internal gauge of self-care, emotional well being, positive mental health, me time.

Where are you on the ladder? What small thing could you do to move up a rung?  Make a declaration of these things with a supportive friend, colleague, neighbour.  This gives them permission to give you a nudge when you are perhaps slipping and helps to uphold commitment to your own self care.

Good Enough?

As I was unpacking the supermarket shopping, and stared at my ‘essential’ potatoes, I reflected on something my mother in law reminds me of when I get in a reflective pickle regarding a parenting decision or situation we (me & my children) had become consumed within, She says…

“You just have to be ‘good enough'”

I feel as though we make what feels like thousands of parenting decisions, conversations, actions and reactions each day, some more conscious than others and some will be definitely more effective, have greater impact and are more decisive than others.  But the bottom line is that it is “good enough”.

So back to those potatoes!

Because parenting can be like the differing supermarket product ranges….sometimes my parenting is essential or basic, the bottom line stuff, the ‘no frills’, basic form and sometimes it enters into the Speciality, No. 1, Taste the Difference, luxury end of the range, this is when I am full of the goodness of life, my resources are recharged and I have capacity to give this level of me and my parenting, to my children. This varied range is all from the same shop or parent!

I believe my children need to experience the whole product range, because I too am a human but I endeavor to at least be ‘good enough’ at my parenting.  In light of a recent occasion, it was okay that one year Halloween looked like a paper bunting, left over from last year, put up at the window a few days before and another year Halloween may look like hosting a party for friends….

Guess which my children got this year….

 

 

Slow down…

Challenge yourself to slow down, to be led by a child, they are your equal, so why not let them take the lead?

Children are our best educators for teaching us to slow down, we need to trust their outlook.  Children are fabulous at being mindful, they can rest in the moment, be captivated and totally absorbed by the ‘here and now.’  Unfortunately adults, technology and societal expectations work very hard at disrupting this ability from a very young age.

We are so busy, in so much of a hurry that we can barely stop to allow our child to try to put their own shoes on, before we are hurrying them along or internally absorbing greater anxiety levels as we bite our tongue, then get cross and do the task for them anyway.

Children’s behaviour becomes tricky and difficult when we force children to be adult led in an adult environment with adult expectations.  A prime location being a shopping centre.  Our stress levels increase as our children can’t meet expectations.  From personal experience this never ends well.  Here comes the greater challenge!!

So try something different….

We can’t commercialise and market the benefits of watching a ladybird walking up and down individual blades of grass.  There isn’t an app. for that!  It does not fit into our adult agenda and value system. We are just too busy.

But I challenge you to stop, notice and wonder…..

“Is it not feminine enough?”

“Is it not feminine enough?”

This statement was said to me by a friend when I bumped into him in the newly refurbished gym that we both use.  The statement has sat at the forefront of my mind this week as I pondered what a feminine gym would look like? Or indeed if the gym is ‘masculine ‘ enough!  Now this statement came from a trusted friend who I would never even suggest is sexist in any way, which is maybe why it held greater meaning and weight!

The gym indeed as many weight machines, plenty of cardio machines, including a stairmaster that replicates walking up stairs that I am yet to see anyone last more than 5min on….I do have an internal need to yell “Just walk up the stairs in real life instead of using the lift or escalator” (It feels rather like a scene of future laziness as depicted in the film Wall-E)…. continuing, there are lots of free weights in kilograms far greater than my own bodyweight and many other pieces of gym kit, however it is not about the gym being FEMININE, it is about being inclusive!

I am a mummy to three children and a runner, I run most days and use the gym to supplement my overall fitness and core strength.  I do not go to classes  (out of my own choosing), I am confident to lift weights and I am happy to be in the company of a male muscle pumped environment, I have been using gyms since the age of 16, just under 20 years..gah.  However my point is that females have different bodies and functional needs to males.  It is not about a masculine or feminine environment, it is about inclusivity.

After carrying and giving birth three times my core muscles; once a well toned six pack have been moved and stretched considerably three times for an extended period of time and each time I have worked hard and consistently most days to rebuild these muscles, males don’t have the same need to concentrate their fitness regime on functional core muscles, therefore in an inclusive environment they would give this aspect of fitness the same value and worth as those wishing to develop large upper body muscles, for instance.

An inclusive environment would include free weight from 1kg up to…… in the free weights area instead of starting at 10kg! Is the message that this area is only for those that can lift this weight? As subliminal or overt as it may be! Only the hardy few repetivively revisit the neighbouring area to collect the weights under 10kg they wish to use to return with them to their bench in the ‘free weight’ area.

Those designing the layout of the gym would not think of putting the heavier weights in a differing location to the benches and mirrors! However this would be an interesting social experiment to gauge the reaction of those effected!

As I hope for a gym to feel inclusive to all those wishing to use the facilities I also dislike with the same passion those social environments constructed with ‘females’ in mind….it does not feel a coincidence that the lighter weights, hip abduction/adduction machines and vibroplate machines sit in the same room…twee but sickly!

So “Is it not feminine enough?”  sticks in my throat for I am happy around stacked muscle obsessed individuals. I don’t need things to be pink, frilly and glittery!

I like muscles, I don’t want hips and boobs and a J Lo bum….but I do want an inclusive environment!

So “Is is masculine enough?” because not all men fit the same mould!

That is a whole different discussion!

Wildlife Jack

Toppsta provided the pleasure of gifting a beautifully illustrated and written book called ‘Wildlife Jack, I want to fly!’ written by Ed Kellie.  An adventure taken by Jack with his grandfather’s ‘magical book,’ there was no better way to share this book for my son aged 6 than with his Grandad!

To add to the magic, our children’s grandparents have just relocated to be closer to us, so this image is heartwarming for us.

The book is a mix of illustrations superimposed onto photographs of the variety of birds ‘Jack’ encounters as he tries to develop the correct size and speed of wings to fly.

The story successfully interweaves facts within the story, for which I think there is an untapped niche in the children’s literacy market. I think this is perfect for children who love factual books but have not yet reached the reading level for those in-depth factual books that are widespread.  My son struggles with his phonics and reading but loves exploring outdoors with his magnifying glass and this book helps to bridge the gap!

       Putting the two together is the best of both!!

Accessible nature in the garden or city combined with exciting literacy to encourage reading.  You really don’t have to go far beyond home to find wildlife and nature, even in the city!

This book can be found at www.pavilionbooks.com or in National Trust shops.  Grandad, Elias and Mummy are thankful to Toppsta (who can also be found on facebook), for allowing us review this book.

All the content is the views of Elias and Sarah, we have not been influenced by any external parties in the writing of this blog.

When your home is not your house…

I saw a statistic today that stated to be a first time buyer in London you have to be earning £77k.   Clearly this would be dependent on the area and house size but this is still a staggering fact. Well maybe not if you are earning in excess of this amount. We don’t live in London but still we can’t  afford to buy our own property. I don’t believe this is a consequence of our lifestyle choices and even if a financial adviser & lifestyle manager wanted to tell me so, dwelling on these does not change the situation that myself, my husband and three sons find ourselves in. We both work with children and the care profession is not high on the pay scales but we love our calling to work with these children.

We moved many times when our eldest son was pre-school in age but once school entered our considerations we opted for a village school and found a beautiful house to live it. This house has most definitely became our home and I am truly thankful that I have been able to put my stamp on our family home. We have lived her for over six years and our two youngest sons have known no other home or village. We have invested our finance, efforts and passion into this home and the memories that fill it are ones of joy, hope, security and stability within the ups and downs of all families. This slightly exaggerated idyllic image  was rocked by the call that a valuer was visiting for remortgaging purposes, as an aside our neighbour’s house had just sold.   A week later I am contacted to say the house is going on the market. I think in the past two weeks I have been through every emotion on the spectrum, good and bad, that is possible from self attacking ‘get over yourself so may people are worse off’ to ‘what a lovely opportunity, it will all work out fine’.

I primarily feared my children would find the disruption and information that they will need to move house hard to take. Having not yet told my youngest son (aged 4) beyond that a photographer was coming and your bedroom needs to be tidy (a challenge in itself!) Z announced to me in a very matter of fact manner that “we don’t own the house, the people who lived here before do and they are going to sell it, we need to move to a new house”…he continued to need reassurance that I would not break his Lego in transit (this may prove tricky!!!) I know children are far more resilient that we wish to believe (the baby that survived 22 hours trapped in the Nepalese earthquake disaster, a very real and recent image).

I cleaned and de-cluttered the house to the best of my ability for the photographer; to honour our homeowner and to honour the effort we have invested.  I wanted it to look as sale-able as possible, which feels skewed when we don’t
actually want to leave. The photos look good, my families personality is stamped on each and every one (what would Kirsty Allsop think!)

Renting creates an uncertainty that only owning your own house can relieve however the housing crisis both in terms of housing costs and lack of housing means that owning your own home is becoming less of a reality.  I feel sad that I cannot provide the stability that my parents were able to provide for me and my sister.
In the meantime, I await the next few months of challenge; keeping our home clutter free, we are always abound with mountains of laundry and Lego creations. I hope the next family to make the house their home will embrace it with the same passion as us.
I know that I can take my precious belongings and memories with me, it just means I have lots of sorting and de- cluttering to commence; approx six and a half years of it.
But If only I could take my Farrow and Ball living room walls with me, humph!

Cultural countryside

When you have it all, there appears to be a hunger to go back to basics and have little but only for a well planned short period of time in a suitably packaged manner with a quick escape route back to middle England as and when needed. Families clad in adventure clothes that some would class as “best/party” clothes or even simply unable to afford at all; seek woods, forests, climbing and exploring. Fires, playing outdoors and sleeping under the stars, well canvas, really. The opposite of glamping, surely there is an educated word term appearing in dictionaries soon!
City based families are void of the unstructured play space as even green space now has instructions, guidance and hand holding in structure helping families “play” on well thought out play equipment even if it is in guise of wood and comes with the prefix “adventure”.
So seeking space void of structure they revel in a camping site devoid of hot water and showers but full of ramshackled make do and mend tree houses, bird hides and communal areas, with the safety and reassurance of charging silly prices to camp there, price in direct correlation with trendability!  This type of camping is not for families that have access to this lifestyle and countryside on daily basis, you would be disappointed at the lack of amenities; for you have saved money all year to come on holiday and seek luxury, something beyond your everyday.

Helicopter parents sit down, drink wine and let your children roam…and play!

Parents Evening…or Parent-Teacher consultations to be politically correct!

That time of the year when you get to see a glimpse of what your child is doing at school for the 30 hours a week that he is there.  Having found that my two eldest children learn very differently removed doubts that as parents we were doing something fundamentally wrong to hinder the progress of our eldest child, as his younger brother has taken to the word of writing and phonics very differently.  The school are very supportive and help both my sons in very different ways to develop in learning however I can not see past the huge emphasis on Literacy and Numeracy.

I totally appreciate that these form the basis of lifelong learning and are essential life skills, but when you have a child who for them these are the areas of HUGE STRUGGLE they continually get fed the message of improving but still not good enough this cannot be the healthiest message for their self confidence and worth !!

I asked my eldest who had accompanied his dad to the ‘consultation’ what the teacher had to say about your progress in sport, music, history, geography, art….I could go on!!! But no, these areas are not even given a mention.  When your child really excels in these areas of life then the bigger life skills of confidence and self esteem can shine through if they are given positive reinforcement of the good bits!!  Then, hey maybe they will be less reluctant to write and read as they won’t be embarrassed if there are spelling mistakes, they don’t understand something etc.

I feel against the tide in encouraging my son that his compassion for others, imagination, endless energy and motivation and commitment to sport are invaluable qualities.

This also frustrates me in the light of the amount of research and emphasis on the development of the ‘whole child’  and ‘child centred’ learning in Early Years Education and the celebration of differences and uniqueness that is evident in our children’s learning journey’s to then swiftly undo the positives and fluidity of this to adopt a far narrow minded curriculum and emphasis.

Slow down…one home day is worth much more!

As my middle child, my lion moves towards the end of his first term at school, it still has not reached its climax, we are only beginning to crescendo as we begin to enter into December.  My lion cub is 4 years and 9 months, starting school 6 months earlier than his elder sibling due to birthday months but yet school and society expect so much of such a young child and at times so do we as their parents.  A child starting school is set to task on learning their phonics, writing and reading, managing their behaviour and social skills around their peers, older children and all in the absence of their parents (think of that first day learning a new job role, driving lesson, uncomfortable social experience…and how mightily exhausting they are!) But our 4 year olds do this every day for many many weeks…to be topped off with the run up into Christmas….it feels like an unwieldy messy sprint of survival, parents and children alike! This sprint seems to commence with the learning of christmas songs and lines for a play (baring in mind that your child only started to put three phonic sounds together last week!) the school christmas fair, inclusive of donations, christmas shows, daytime and evening, including costume rehearsals, making costumes, church service, disco…..to end the school term a mere 5 days before Christmas Day! (Clearly adding any adult social events, work commitments or younger/older children would just be impossible….wait a minute actually that is …..life!)

Once we retrieve our children at the end of the term from the demands of school, they enter into another arrangement of routines, standards, travelling, lack of sleep, expectations, different food and routine!  If at any point our children rebel or complain or indeed are just very tired and a little grumpy, we are quick to condemn them…What have you to moan about, ITS CHRISTMAS’

I have unravelled this as something to be mindful of over the next month or so, because I believe the growing expectations of wanting a perfect Christmas and ‘doing more = better’ is hard on children as well as adults, and children have not developed the emotional resilience that most adults have.

In the midst of the school term the weekends become, for most families, THE opportunity to do things together.  I had my lion and zebra who are 4 and 3 at home last Saturday by myself, I suggested to them over breakfast that while daddy and monkey were out for the day we travel into the city, look at the huge pretty sparkly Christmas tree and pick daddys Christmas present…my lion cubs response was an exclamation that Christmas is not daddy’s birthday and that he wanted to stay home in him pyjamas. I responded “you would like a home day?” He answered “I want to stay at home and play in my bedroom with my toys”  This was agreed!

This challenged me, as I think I knew that actually my children needed to do that, they needed time to relax and play… real play, the spontaneous stuff were you only get disturbed because lunch is ready.  Where expectations are low and your child’s brain has a mini ‘time-out.’  I also felt a subconscious pressure (probably media/society driven) that if I was to take my children out and show them pretty Christmas lights that I would somehow be better fulfilling my parental role and enriching their learning.  I was also slightly concerned that staying at home all day would make my job harder, that I would have to personally provide more, in terms of their demands or that I would be constantly sorting their disputes.  Neither of these were the case.  My children played all day. we did some things all together and some things individually; we read, played, coloured, talked, danced, watched and none of it cost money!!!  I also had a nagging doubt that they could not entertain themselves without external input for the whole day, but children can and mine did, shops/brands/leisure parks etc would like us to believe that we can’t!! However if we don’t expose our children to having to entertain themselves or allow them the time to play in their own homes then they too will get caught up in the need be continually stimulated by external devices/sources.

As we read ever more popular books about ‘being mindful’ and ‘mindfulness’ I hope we as adults and parents can practise it with our children over the Christmas time and not get caught up in the need to provide enriching/extracurricular experiences and activities to further exhaust them before their next school terms begins.  So before you start planning…just stay in your pjs and go nowhere!!

My little schooler

Friday is upon us thus marking the end of the first full time week in reception class for my little lion cub.  He has got used to the notion that he goes for the full week but is still surprised and joyful when he gets to wear his ‘normal’ clothes and not go to school; needing reassurance through questioning if he get the WHOLE day off school, “yes love, you even get TWO WHOLE DAYS off.”  I am also joyous as I feel the school get the best bits of him during the week and I get the hungry, tired, non-listening, emotional bit at the end of the day.  

The school routine provides so much for them to remember before they even get started on learning; where to put scooters, drinks bottles, bags, coats, lunch packs, P.E. Kit and that is just within the first five minutes of them walking into the classroom! I know they become used to the routine but it feels like a huge expectation on a four year old.  Thus I am very forgiving and responsive when he comes out of school at the end of the day, gives me a huge hug and says “can we go home now” which is normally followed by sitting on the sofa in a zombie like state for 30 min watching Peter Rabbit and Octonauts.

Having school aged children seems to make your weekend feel all the more precious (this proves difficult when my husband works at least 2 weekends a month) however I am purposefully holding off doing very busy & highly sociable activities in awareness that this is probably the last thing his brain and body needs.  Playing with your own toys in your bedroom without any schedule and pending routine is what is more definitely needed in these early days of schooling even if this is not what you want to be doing as their parent.

Snuggles and time spent just ‘being’ are high on my ‘agenda’ for their WHOLE TWO DAYS OFF….before us parents have to start the dreaded Sunday evening uniform ironing, shoe cleaning and pack lunch making rigmarole…again and again and again.

 

The post school zombie state (completely unaware of my presence!)